Favourite quote.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before.

I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

―Eric Roth

I Quit This Full Time Job.

It is raining rather loudly outside.
The strong wind takes over and cuts off the thin lines of falling raindrops.
Autumn vibes 101.

Last year, I had taken a big step and I broke free from emotional dependence. I felt like I had become a new person and strived for a better social life. Coming off as being cool, chill and emotionally independent was my full time job. I enhanced how I appeared in social settings. It worked.

But recently I quit it because I've finally understood the importance of being genuine.

I slowly began to love sharing my embarrassing past events.
It has become a pleasure to share about how I handled (more like couldn't handle) my breakup with the first 'boyfriend' in 9th grade who I was madly and obsessively in love with, the fact that I suffered from anxiety and depression in the final years of high school, and how I was temporary overweight at 16. I would show a photo of my over-weight self to others and laugh about how I once ripped the seam of my tights when I sat down.
I now express my strange philosophy to others. Last night, my poor friend was stuck with me talking d&m about physical intimacy the whole night as we had a cute sleep over.

Individuality is kind of nice. Being real is pretty cool.

Just half a year ago, the thought of sharing these stories had got me feeling insecure and exposed as fuck. I've always known I was kind of weird. But I hid it, which subconsciously made me feel guilty about being that way.

But honestly, who gave a damn? Most probably just myself.

Apologies, mum.

I've been a real ass to my mum lately.

I'm sorry.

You're a hard worker.

You're warm and caring.

You're emotional but you're able to freshen up your mind very quickly because you're simple minded.

You are a good mother.

Sometimes it's like you're playing golf & go for the long drive of 300 yards but you end up swinging your drive in the air. You miss the ball.

You're clumsy.

You ask others to take over and complete everything that is unfamiliar to you.

You're not particularly fantastic at problem solving.

You've grown up with people helping you through everything because you're loved.

Sometimes I feel frustrated because you're not pushing yourself. You don't try.

But I will push you. I should be continuously pushing you so you can be a strong independent black woman who don't need no man.


I'm sorry for being an ass for the past week.


x

The 13 Guys I've Been on Dates With.

1. The great kisser who I was in love with in 9th grade.

2. The ex's best friend.

3. The awkward boy with muscular calves. (God, I used to have a thing for nice calves.)

4. The athletic dickhead with a six pack.

5. The flirty raver that always hung with older kids.

6. The sweet blondie with a nice ass that I dated for 3 years.

7. The tall, guitar player with glasses who was too intelligent for me.

8. The womaniser boss driving a Porsche whom I didn't hook up with but took me out to fancy dates on.

9. The insta-famous photographer that loves socks.

10. The unlucky guy with a cynical world view, who tricked me into liking him.

11. The buff European guy I met at the gym but got too clingy afterwards.

12. The sexy blue-eyed personal trainer with the best body out of all of them.

13. The deep, open minded traveller that I connected through late night chats with but got bored of.

Being Single Means

Being single means

Emotional independence just like Beyonce's.

Doing whatever the fuck you want.

Girls night outs -bonding over silliness and unattractive laughter.

Confidently batting your fake lashes at the bar.

Lack of physical and emotional intimacy. (And that's okay but sometimes not okay.)

Gym three times a week.

Always looking your best.

Random date nights.

Many nights with no one to send good night texts to.

Loneliness.

Openness to experience.


Freedom.

Back.

I'm back. For the past few weeks (jokes, months) I've been super busy. Super super 'busy'..

Updates:
-I'm now a single woman.
-Had photo shoots.
-Threw a few more things into my bucket list.
-Completed the makeup & beauty course.

1. Being single.
So, I am enjoying the single life. It's not about hooking up with random cuties on night outs, but it's more about the sense of independence. After being with the ex for three years, I felt like my identity was slowly dissolving into him. I went through many issues and I emotionally relied on him, too much. I was also too young for this kind of love because I'd barely experienced the life as an independent person.

The break up just had to happen for a few core reasons that didn't involve betrayal. The talk consisted of serious discussions and a shower of compliments. "I still think you're great!" Just like that, we listed positive features about each other. We ended on a good note, and we both checked whether we were feeling okay. Giggling from the inside joke that was created during the talk, we said a friendly bye. I bursted into tears for a few minutes by myself once I came back into my room.

Two weeks into the single life, I depend on myself only and I have my own world. This is ridiculously refreshing although a little bit of loneliness kicks in every now and then.

2. Photo shoots.
I'd had a photo shoot with a professional photographer with a few friends for fun.
Then I had another one after being approached by a photographer, seeing my Facebook updates about the previous photo shoot.

Here are some of the shots from the second one.

I had so much fun!

Extra: Here's me being cold, covered in a shit load of coconut oil.

Photographs by Kenneth Looi.

3. Additions to my bucket list. 
I've been spending time with some inspiring people, and also had read lots of articles and blog posts that encouraged me to really get adventurous.

Added plans:
-Europe trip.
-Go on a global vulnteering program within the next two years to a poorer country, possibly Cambodia.

I'm hungry for experiences.

4. Makeup and Beauty course. 
Done and dusted. Looking for a job in the industry but been unable to do so due to my shit resume. Yes, I better fix it up asap rocky (been saying that for 4 weeks now).

The "Fully Functioning Person" Model.

I learnt an interesting topic in a Social and Personality Psychology lecture this week.

In humanistic psychology, the focus is on humanity and higher end of people (unlike other approaches where mental abnormalities are in center of concern). For example, emphases lay upon human potential, happiness and creativity.

A Psychologist, Carl Rogers asserted the "Fully Functioning Person" model. Because he believes in the fact that all people are born with positive intentions, he believed in the positive nature of humans.

 According to Rogers, a 'Fully-Functioning Person' has:

1. Openness to experience.
-Non-censoring/non-defensive attitude.
-Receptive to both subjective and objective experiences.

2. Existential living.
-"Increasing tendency to live fully in each moment" (Rogers, 1961).
-Living in the present, not past or future.
-Constant process of 'becoming'.
-Focus on direction rather than destination.

3. Organismic trusting.
-Trusting oneself and not relying on others.
-"Doing what 'feels right'".

4. Experiential freedom.
-Subject freedom of choice in each moment.
-Not pressured by need's and should's.

5. Creativity.
-Creative living.
-Living non-habitually & in your own way.

By a 'Fully-Functioning Person', Rogers means an individual who has the same life intentions as an infant; comfortable in their own skin, living with no 'mask' and has a positive outlook on life.

I believe his proposal about such positive human nature is excellent. It sure sounds like the way a happy person lives by.